Why strangers tell my girlfriend their deepest secrets
How to hold vulnerability for the people you love
One of my girlfriend’s most infamous qualities is that strangers often tell her deeply personal things upon first meeting her. Way too many parties have ended with her in a corner, talking for an hour, with someone eventually saying: “Wow… I’ve never told anyone that before.”
Why does this happen a weird amount?
Here’s my theory — I’ll refer to my girlfriend as G.
1. Natural curiosity
G is naturally curious about other people's emotional experiences — she finds it interesting to learn what people have seen, how they feel, and what their internal world is like. She asks perceptive, open questions in that direction and listens intently.
2. Genuine openness
G is exceptionally open and low judgment — when she's listening, you can tell it is genuine. She does not take the position of 'judge' or 'problem-solver', she simply takes the role of 'engaged witness'. She is looking to build a model and understand. But importantly, she does this with presence. She does not stay at the surface, she meaningfully feels and sits with the person. She shares her own experiences and models when relevant, demonstrates deep empathy, and asks interesting questions. She isn’t performing or demanding anything, she’s just meaningfully there.
3. Emotional comfort
This might be the most underrated factor of all. G is comfortable in the space of emotion — hers and others’. That alone makes a huge difference.
Many people find emotions more aversive. Even when they care deeply, the discomfort can creep in: fear of saying the wrong thing, struggling to empathise with something unfamiliar, feeling overwhelmed by intensity. And when that happens, they might unconsciously change the subject or steer things toward “lighter” ground.
But G doesn’t flinch or freeze at things. And people can feel that.
How to hold vulnerability for the people you love
You don’t need to collect stranger confessions at parties to live a good life. But, you likely do want to build emotional closeness with the people you love. So, how?
Here is my concrete advice:
Ask questions and keep asking
This is the most important piece of advice I have, and maybe the only one you really need.
If you want to understand someone’s inner world, you have to ask questions about their experiences and feelings — and not just once or twice, to be polite, but with intention and curiosity. As if you’re trying to write their memoir.
Some examples:
What was that like?
How did that feel?
Does that still affect you?
What happened next?
How are you thinking about it now?
I’ve never felt that before — can you tell me more about what that’s like?
Reflect back what you hear
This is underrated. Sometimes, people flinch when I give this advice because they imagine a kind of empty parroting:
“I’m so stressed about school right now.”
“Ok, so I hear that you’re stressed about school.”
That kind of thing is mostly annoying. So what I mean is: to check that you’re actually understanding, try and put what they’re saying in your own words. To provide meaningful engagement, add your own perspective and colour, “it sounds like you’re just running on adrenaline these days, that must be exhausting.” When done well, you can help people articulate and see their own experiences more clearly. And if you're wrong, you prompt them to continue explaining. You’re still listening.
Do not race towards a non-existent finish line
Many people unconsciously approach emotional conversations like they’re trying to reach a resolution, grand conclusion, or neat sense of ‘completion’. But often, there isn’t one — and trying to ultimately find one can inadvertently shut the other person down or cause them to pull away.
You don’t need to fix, resolve, or conclude anything. You’re not literally writing a memoir, in that, you do not need to edit an emotional experience into a neat arc. You’re just there to witness it and hold it for a bit.
Name discomfort instead of deflecting
There is an important question: what do you do if discomfort comes up? It depends on the type of discomfort. If you genuinely do not wish to continue on the current topic, then of course, you should change it, leave, or do whatever you need to do.
If you want to support someone but feel unsure of how, I think you should consider explicitly saying that. It can build trust and diffuse some of the nervousness you might be feeling.
For example:
“I’m really sorry you have such a strained relationship with your parents — I haven’t experienced that myself, and I’m worried I might misunderstand or minimise what you’re saying. Please let me know if I do.”
“This sounds really raw, and I want to be careful. If I say something that doesn’t land well, please tell me or we can pause or stop the conversation — I really want to listen and be here, but it’s not always my strong suit and I’m still learning how to talk about stuff like this.”
I think this kind of honesty and expectation setting can genuinely transform how these kinds of conversations go.
(And of course, if you’re not up for the conversation, it’s okay to say so and lovingly step away. And if they’re not up for navigating your discomfort, they can also lovingly step away.)
Final thoughts
This post is, in part, a love letter to my girlfriend (hello bb). Also, I hope it can be helpful for those who want to have deeper emotional conversations, but find them intimidating or unfamiliar. If this is a skill you’re trying to work on, I think that’s wonderful and I wish you the best of luck <3