The trap of being overly charitable

Imagine you’re trying to maximise your positive impact on the world—there are probably quite a few norms you should adopt to pursue this goal well. For example: truth-seeking, welcoming ideas and criticisms, steel-manning people’s arguments to avoid missing and dismissing something important, among others.

Now imagine along the way, you’re having a blast, meeting great people, and then someone says something that really miffs you. It feels gendered, but you brush it off (because you haven’t yet rigorously dissected the situation from first principles or had a 20-minute debrief with this person). Eventually, this happens again. And again, and again, sporadically over time—sometimes with the same people, sometimes different. It’s not worryingly often, it’s to be expected of course (living in a society and all), but it’s enough that you start to feel a little on edge. The negative emotions you keep calmly talking yourself out of are starting to gnaw at you.

And you realize: sometimes, you’re staying in conversations that are straightforwardly upsetting. Because you think that, in order to be truly rational, principled, and worth respecting, you should be able to tolerate any conversation that isn’t literal harassment. Words can’t hurt you—you’re a truth-seeker. Besides, other people get along with everyone just fine, right?

Unfortunately, what’s really happened is: you’ve taken good and important norms and are no longer employing them correctly, nor sustainably. You’ve also forgotten that you’re not the same as other people, and so your emotional reactions are not the same, and that’s fine.

Anyways, this is how I’ve been feeling this past week. I think I took admirable discussion norms and applied them like a blanket to all my socialising. It was a mistake. And if I continue doing that, my brain might melt (credence: 110%).

I took, “be careful about extrapolating” and made an incorrect leap to, “it is wrong for me to prioritise my comfort without investigating first, to defer to my quick read of a situation, or to ever give up trying to understand someone.” That’s too far. In intellectual discussion, of course, avoid extrapolating is great advice. But if you find yourself socialising with people who consistently make you feel bad because you kind of see where they’re coming from, or the thing they technically said isn’t obviously an issue, and you should never infer what they meant, it might be time to get a little less charitable.

Because the thing is, what someone means or thinks can be endlessly discussed. And there are lots of people who might want to discuss things with you; more than you can or should give your time to. If your bar for disengaging relies on conclusively determining someone is acting in bad faith, whatever that means, you’re prone to getting trapped in never-ending conversations you don’t want to have. And getting hurt.

Being open and charitable is great—that doesn’t mean you have to be friends with or engage with everyone who isn’t a proven pathological liar. And it certainly doesn’t mean you have to by and large throw out your social intuitions.

How people make you feel can’t be debated; you should act on this information too. You don’t need to welcome, time and time again, people who bother you. Even if they sometimes have good points, or you have compassion for them, or they’re part of your community, or you have mutual friends, etc. (Side note, if this wasn’t already clear, I’m just talking about how you choose to spend your time and who you spend it with. I’m not suggesting you devise a revenge plan against everyone that makes you feel worse.)

You have your own life, goals, ideas, and work to worry about. And people you need to give your attention and care to. Your time and emotional state matter any way you cut it, whether you value those things intrinsically or instrumentally. You can be open and charitable when it makes sense, and also sometimes think eh, I’m getting a bad vibe, this isn’t feeling good to me, shrug, and walk away.